FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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