Where did you get a picture of my penis
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
