I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
True strength comes from lack of pants
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