we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
