Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
