I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
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