Fine. I'll sleep in my office
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
