Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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