I'm laying in your front yard are you home
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
