i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
