I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
