ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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