dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
