You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
