i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Terrible idea I love it
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
