I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
