Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
This baby is an asshole
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
