Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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