Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
