You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
only you would photoshop your dick
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
