I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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