Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
