I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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