The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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