Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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