Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
