This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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