The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
