they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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