She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
