Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
