my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
