____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
