no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
