I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
