He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
