i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
