we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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