I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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