I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
