I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
