Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
