Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
