he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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