i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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