I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
