I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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