Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
