Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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