3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
