i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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